i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
