Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
