dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize