hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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