My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
