I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
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I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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