somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
