I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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