LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
