It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
