and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
