ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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