So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
