I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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