I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
