We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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