Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She tied me up with her honor cords...
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.