woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?