My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
