we have pet lesbian snakes
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
