He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
