everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
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