after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
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Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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