There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
