sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
