you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
