I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
