dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
