It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
