Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
