You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
