Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
