totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
