When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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