my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.