My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."