Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
