I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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