I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I fill condoms, not promises.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
