i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
no, he came in my armpit
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
