Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
