my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
