My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
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Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
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Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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