dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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