if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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