I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
