If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
