The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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