i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
