new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
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I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
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If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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