I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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