I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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