Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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