I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
