Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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