Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
